


Episode One: Shiny As A New Copper

by DictionaryWrites



Series: The Ankh-Morpork City Watch (TV) [1]
Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Ankh-Morpork, Ankh-Morpork City Watch, Comedy, Gen, Humor, Politics, Screenplay/Script Format, Television
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:48:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22026121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DictionaryWrites/pseuds/DictionaryWrites
Summary: Corporal Panacucci is a new addition to the Ankh-Morpork City Watch.You know what they say about the disc being your mollusc? She's pretty sure she's allergic to shellfish.
Series: The Ankh-Morpork City Watch (TV) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1585414
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	Episode One: Shiny As A New Copper

** CITY OF ANKH-MORPORK, EXT.  **

The city of ANKH-MORPORK looms above our heads: the

buildings are tall and swathed in brown smog. Our camera

pans over the RIVER ANKH, which is the colour of mud and is

so thick as to barely flow at all. As our camera comes

closer to the BRASS BRIDGE, the biggest bridge that arcs

over the river, we see CAPTAIN ANGUA VON UBERWALD leading a

team of watch recruits.

CAPTAIN ANGUA is tall, willowy, and effortlessly beautiful,

her golden blonde hair coming down in smooth cascades over

her shoulders, her helmet loosely held under one arm. She

conducts herself with grace, and she wears a well-fitted

watchman's uniform (golden cuirass and bracers on the wrists

and calves, brown leather gloves and skirt and guarding over

the neck and shoulders, light boots, the helmet emblazoned

with the logo of the AM City Watch) that covers her from

neck to toe.

The recruits are a ragtag lot, most of them in ill-fitting

armour: there are half a dozen of them, and at least two are

noticeably inhuman - e.g. a gargoyle that can't quite jam a

helmet onto their head; a golem that looms above all the

rest, etc.

**ANGUA**

Corporal Panacucci!

We settle on GIUSEPPINA PANACUCCI. Like ANGUA, she carries

her helmet under one arm, but her hair is tied above her

head in a very tight bun; like Angua, her armour is

perfectly fitted to her body, setting her apart from the

other recruits. Her chest plate is so polished that the sun

reflects off it, and as she steps forward, another recruit

winces at the glare and falls over.

**PANACUCCI **

Captain, sir! Er, Ma'am. Er-- Sir!

Captain!

**ANGUA**

Captain will do, Corporal.

**PANACUCCI **

Captain!

**ANGUA**

How long have you been in

Ankh-Morpork?

**PANACUCCI **

Two weeks, Captain!

**ANGUA**

Look out over that river, Corporal,

and tell me what you see!

PANACUCCI and the other recruits approach the edge of the

Brass Bridge, and we see PANACUCCI'S searching eyes as she

looks out over the city. We hear her inner monologue.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

Right. Right. This is simple, this

is easy, what does she want you to

tell her? It's Ankh-Morpork, what

do you see? Crime. Gods, no, that's

ridiculous, you don't see crime,

how could you see crime, unless you

had some sort of crime-eyes--

You don't have crime eyes. Stay

calm. This is Angua von Uberwald,

the first werewolf in the City

Watch, and she's fine, she's fine.

You know who she is on paper,

there's no need to be frightened of

her. What would she want you to

look for?

The alleyways? The docks on the

edges of the river? The boats? Or

the buildings in the distance, or

maybe, maybe, she's a werewolf, she

wants you to tell her not what you

SEE, but what you SMELL--

PANACUCCI breathes in, deeply, her mouth open, her nostrils

flaring. ANGUA looks on with quiet surprise: several of the

new recruits look at PANACUCCI in shock and horror.

** ANGUA**

Corporal, you really shouldn't--

** PANACUCCI **

(slurred, swaying) Erm, I

see... It smells...

PANACUCCI'S knees go out from beneath her, and she hits the

stone floor of the Brass Bridge with a clatter, her helmet

falling across the floor. ANGUA sighs.

** ANGUA**

(pinching the bridge of

her nose) Okay, lads,

somebody scrape her up.

Back to the watch house!

** OPENING CREDITS**

** OFFICE OF COMMANDER SAMUEL VIMES,PSEUDOPOLIS YARD, INT. **

The office of SAM VIMES, Duke of Ankh-Morpork and Commander

of the City Watch, is a messy affair. Paperwork is piled

high on every single surface, and the shelves against the

walls are crammed full of even more paperwork. A wide window

shows a square, and in the distance, the Ankh-Morpork

Palace: Vimes always wants to keep the Patrician in his

crosshairs.

SAM VIMES himself is leaning on the window sill by his

elbows, smoking a cigar. He is a short man, stocky but with

a gaunt look to him, visible scarring on his face and arms,

and there is patchy stubble on his jaw (Vimes is a man who

will develop five o'clock shadow half an hour after

shaving).

PANACUCCI is sitting ramrod straight in the chair across

from Vimes' desk. She is visibly straining to see the

Commander over the mountains of paperwork on top of it.

** SAM VIMES**

(voice should be hoarse

and low, grizzled)

So, Corporal. How are you settling

in?

** PANACUCCI **

Er. Well. I mean, today, that won't

happen again.

**SAM VIMES**

Breathing in the stench the Ankh

puts out like that isn't a mistake

most people would make twice. Don't

worry, lass. You'll learn the ins

and outs of Ankh-Morpork soon

enough.

** PANACUCCI **

A lot of my family are Morporkian,

sir, I just... I may have

underestimated a few things.

** SAM VIMES**

(chuckles, and then

turns, leaning back

against the windowsill)

You miss Brindisi?

** PANACUCCI **

I... Yes, sir, I suppose. But

Ankh-Morpork is the centre of the

Disc, sir, everyone says so, and if

I can make it as a copper here,

I'll be set for anywhere.

VIMES takes a slow drag of his cigar, his eyes narrowing

slightly.

** SAM VIMES**

And how exactly do you want to

"make it", Corporal?

** PANACUCCI **

(glances into the

distance, thinking about

her answer)

I... The watch in Brindisi is a lot

like it used to be here in

Ankh-Morpork, sir. It's mainly run

by the palace, and the rich have

different rules than everyone else,

and there's a hierarchy, I suppose,

to justice. I want to be the sort

of copper that makes the world more

balanced, rather than being the one

that sticks my boot on the scale to

weigh it the way I like.

VIMES smiles grimly, one side of his scarred mouth twisting

up into the expression. He taps his cigar on the full,

overflowing ashtray on the windowsill, and slowly nods his

head.

** SAM VIMES**

I want you out on the beat with me

today. Brindisi lad was murdered on

Apothecary Walk. I want help asking

questions.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

Oh, Gods. Oh, Gods. You can't do

that. You can't go out on the beat

with COMMANDER VIMES. He

singlehandedly reformed the City

Watch! He arrested the Patrician!

He's a watchman amongst watchman!

** PANACUCCI **

(in a tiny voice) Erm.

Yes, sir.

** SAM VIMES**

We just have to stop off somewhere

first.

** PANACUCCI **

Er-- Where?

** SAM VIMES**

(putting out his cigar)

Good question, Corporal.

VIMES walks out of the room, not answering the question.

After a second, PANACUCCI scrambles out of her chair to run

after him.

** CUT TO:**

** ANKH-MORPORK CITY STREETS, EXT. **

VIMES and PANACUCCI are walking over cobbled streets. We

begin at their feet, seeing that Vimes' boots are made of

cheap material and are beginning to fall apart, moisture

getting to his feet and his toes showing where his boots are

peeling back; Panacucci's boots are watertight and

well-made, and she has to shorten her stride to keep back

with Vimes, who walks faster but is a good deal shorter than

she is.

** SAM VIMES**

So, tell me about the team. You

were a good corporal back in

Limbardi, weren'tcha? What have you

picked up about our people here?

** PANACUCCI **

Commander Vimes, sir, I really

don't think I want to--

** SAM VIMES**

Chop chop, lass! Let me see what

you've picked up.

** PANACUCCI **

Well--

** CUT TO:**

We see the figure of CAPTAIN CARROT, a tall and strapping

young man with brightly orange hair and freckles on his

square face. His chestplate, like Panacucci's, is polished

to a dangerous splendour, and we see him surrounded by a

crowd of excitedly chatting Morporkian citizens.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

There's Captain Carrot, of course.

He's a dwarf, erm, well, he's a

human who was raised as a dwarf.

Everyone in the city knows who he

is, and he knows everyone in the

city off the top of his head. He's

a bit... Literal-minded, but he's

got a heart of gold, he really has,

and no one has anything bad to say

about him.

**SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

Who next?

** CUT TO:**

We see the figure of CAPTAIN ANGUA, her hands neatly clasped

in front of her belly as she gives a talk to a room full of

carefully listening watchmen, some of whom are taking notes.

Behind her is a blackboard with a roughly drawn map of the

city, and a few case numbers beside it.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

Captain Angua. She's one of the

best coppers in the city - she's

wicked smart, and she's

no-nonsense. She's hard, she asks

the difficult questions, and she

expects quick results. She's the

one in charge of us recruits, sir.

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

How are you finding her?

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

She's... Strict, sir. But I feel

like I'm learning a lot.

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

Good. Next.

** CUT TO:**

We cut to a pair of watchmen walking along a different

Ankh-Morpork street. CHERI LITTLEBOTTOM, a dwarf with a

beautifully braided beard, flowers and beads in amongst the

braids, and a gold studded leather skirt, walks alongside

SALLY VON HUMPEDING, who walks with her hands in her pockets

and a resting scowl on her face, dressed in similar leathers

to Cheri's, with silver studs on the shoulders and the hips.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

There's Sergeant Littlebottom, sir.

She's a dwarf, and she was one of

the first dwarves in Ankh-Morpork

to, erm, well, to come out as being

female, sir. She heads the dwarf

women's league, and she's always on

the front of fashion magazines and

all sorts - she's lethal with a

crossbow, and she's way faster than

I could be in armour as heavy as

she wears. She's good with

chemicals and things like that,

works with a lot of the lab.

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

She works on weapons, too. She's

made this smoke bomb that can knock

out everyone in a room - great for

a raid.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

And then there's Detective Von

Humpeding - Salacia. She's... A bit

of a wildcard, sir.

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

Bloody lethal, is what she is.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

Er... Yes, sir. Von Humpeding is

looks young and small, at a glance,

but she's got muscle packed on her,

and because she's a vampire, she

has strength like no one would

believe. She... From what I hear,

sir, she quite likes a fight.

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

Yeah. That's Sally for you.

** CUT TO:**

We see a dark laboratory in the basement of the Pseudopolis

Yard watch house. Strange jars full of organs and mysterious

objects line the walls, and frighteningly sharp instruments

are layered over the metal tables. A figure silhouetted by

shadow, inhumanly large and strangely proportioned, with a

deeply hunched back, laughs loudly and evilly as he raises a

bucket toward the ceiling. Bright lightning flashes between

two implements in the room, lighting him up, and we see IGOR

in his grey-skinned glory, a mess of visible stitches,

wearing a white lab coat.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

There's Igor, sir. He's an Igor,

and he heads the City Watch's

forensics department, as well as

doing emergency medicine on anybody

who comes into Pseudopolis Yard.

He's a bit of, erm, a mad

scientist, but he's got a heart of

gold, really.

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

Yeah, only 'cause he took it off a

statue and sewed it in himself.

A hand comes inside the labaratory and flicks on the light,

putting IGOR in clear view, and he stands up straight,

disappointed. The bucket in his hands, which is full to the

brim with coins, reads WATCH FUNDRAISER FOR THE RAMKIN

HOSPITAL.

A.E. PESSIMAL taps his pocketwatch impatiently.

** A.E. PESSIMAL**

Igor! What are you messing about in

the dark for? We're meant to be

going to the hospital now!

** IGOR**

(mildly defensively) I

was triumphing, A.E.

It'th tradition.

** A.E. PESSIMAL**

Come on, man!

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

And Pessimal?

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

He started off a pencil-pusher, but

the man's a lion, from what I hear.

He's a devil for paperwork, is fast

at calculations and accountancy,

but everyone says he's the bravest

man in the watch.

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

(in an undertone) Or the

stupidest.

** CUT TO:**

We cut through a series of watchmen in quick succession.

VISIT is dejectedly knocking on doors as no one answers to

speak to him; DORFL and REGINALD SHOE are arguing over lunch

in the Pseudopolis Yard kitchen that neither of them is

eating, and that the LIBRARIAN keeps reaching long-armedly

past them for; DETRITUS is looking proudly over a group of

troll recruits, who are performing terribly at target

practice.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

Constable

Visit-The-Infidel-With-Explanatory-

Pamphlets - he's an Omnian, sir,

spends a lot of his days off

knocking on doors.

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

(helpfully) He's a great

help when you need

people to stay indoors

and out of the way.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

Dorfl, he's a golem, the first

golem in the watch. Um, everyone

warned me that if I talk about

philosophy with him, he won't stop.

And Reginald Shoe, if I talk about

politics with HIM, HE won't stop.

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

Neither of 'em stop for love nor

money.

**PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

The Librarian, from Unseen

University's Library? He's a

special constable, he helps out on

cases sometimes.

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

Mostly just nicks people's lunches

from the staff fridge.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

And Lieutenant Detritus, he's a

troll. He's mostly in charge of

training a lot of recruits these

days - he doesn't like to be in the

field as much anymore, I heard? He

really loves training up the new

people.

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

He does. He's a good copper, is

Detritus. Couldn't ask for a better

coach for new recruits, not for the

physical stuff. You're missing out

two of our best and brightest,

though.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

Am-- Am I?

**CUT TO:**

NOBBY NOBBS and FRED COLON are asleep at their desks in a

small building off the main Pseudopolis Yard watchhouse. As

we watch them, NOBBY slides down in his chair, and FRED'S

face falls down onto his arm on the desk. We can hear them

snoring loudly.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

Oh. Nobby and Sergeant Colon, sir?

I don't... Really know much about

them.

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

You lying?

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

(fervently) No, sir!

** SAM VIMES (V.O.)**

(laughs) Save your panic,

Corporal.

** PANACUCCI (V.O.)**

What for?

** CUT TO:**

** FRONT GATES, THE PATRICIAN'S PALACE, EXT. **

VIMES and PANACUCCI are standing before the palace gates.

VIMES is wearing an expression of grim determination:

PANACUCCI looks as though she might be about to faint.

** PANACUCCI **

Sir, I-- I really don't want to

talk to the, um, Patrician.

** SAM VIMES**

That makes two of us, Corporal, but

the Patrician is an unfortunate

part of the day-to-day in this

city.

** PANACUCCI **

(swallows) But-- not for

me, sir.

** SAM VIMES**

Yes, for you, Corporal. He's asked

to meet you personally.

** PANACUCCI **

(panicked) What!?

** SAM VIMES**

(cheerfully) Come on,

Corporal, in we go!


End file.
